theres are moments in this life that leave you utterly dumbfounded and speechless. moments that there are simply no words to describe, whether that is caused by anger, confusion or happiness. its never the less incredible. how a moment can literally take your breath away and break your heart at the same time. that's an emotion i can only imagine a mom with her newborn baby has. the frustration and anticipation of pregnancy is over, and that loved baby is finally there.
in life there's moments we have ignorance & frustration, complete peace, and everything in between. as humans on our own we are can be every single one of these emotions. we become to frustrated to be able to love, or too happy to care.
when we are in those moments, how incredibly easy it is to focus on the 'thing' bringing us anger or happiness. how do we fall back into that place? we simply realize that everything comes from god, and if its not.... he's GOING to birth something big out of it.
we choose to fall back into a place of real joy that's not dependent on my situation. we forget how much freedom there is when we say no to us and yes to him.... he's in control, no matter what i say or do.and the more i realize THAT..... the more unbelievably glad i really don't know anything and big major decisions are not up to me to decide....[yet]
so i am falling back into love, falling back into grace.
falling back into faith. falling back into simplicity and love with my father,
and as i begin to fall, and struggle i find open arms and eyes reaching for me. eyes of love complete with a burning fire and then i realize i know this man.... and i begin to cry. he has given the world for me, delivered me from my self hatred, pain, and my hell. yet for so long i have ignored him, fought him, been furious with him, blamed him.... because i simply didnt see thw whole picture.
then i realize he has never left. but how my heart has been indepent and broken and has neglected this love. my mind begins to wander when i accuse this man of abandoning me. my mind becomes easily offended and i focus to long on the 'things.' yet however legitimate they maybe, they have led me away from the one who cares most about everything, no one has loved more than this man has.
i realize his arms are arms of hope. i begin to see with eyes bigger than my entire face that he has actually never left. these arms have been beside me the whole time despite my screaming, my trauma, my doubt, my hoplessness and fear. i look up from my self pity and agony and am amazed at how tired those arms are..... how long they have waited to console, and comfort.i ask myself how long have these arms of hope been there for me to grab hold of-but everything about my world tells me that my god isnt real. so i begin to believe the lies and grab hold of my pain. i begin to console it and let it grow like a desgusting stray animal.
in my flesh i wonder why this gross animal with diseases and fleas hasnt died. i begin to look at these arms and i realize ive never wanted affirmation, or finances, or peace of mind.i wanted my best friend back.
brethtaking moments?realizing he desires to change me far more than i want to change myself. realizing he has never left...
my heart when it was once wrecked, once black, once hard, once full of bitter angry tears. i grab onto these arms of hope and i cry. and my best friend, my jesus slowly in the easiest and gentlest way he knows how begins to scrub the mould, mildew and spilt blood out of the teatowel of my heart. i cry and i am amazed that depite all my accusing: all my best friend ever wanted was to make me a white canvas again. all he has wanted was to give me the freedom to dream again...
and as i look at his eyes of grace my heart is wrecked again when i think of how long my jesus, my best friend must have patiently waited for that moment.my heart is happy in the midst of trials because, gods finally moving.. despite long seasons of pain, despite how ive ignored him.... my best friend is always trying to win my heart. the lies i have told myself begin to fade and i finally learn how to not anticipate anything, but to be content.
my best friend is patient and he loves me.... who would have ever thought?
yet i am undone and amazed. my bestfriend knew exactly what i needed and i finally learn learn to walk unashamed of being his daughter, disciple and close friend.
how he loves.
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