Fastforward a few weeks to mid-March.... and I stumbled across Lani's blog and saw her do an interview with Andrew Kooman to raise awareness about his play 'She Has a Name' [the link to the video itself and Lani's blog can be seen here]
When i first saw that video, that was the very first time i heard of Andrew Kooman and his play "She Has A Name." Before i had briefly heard of Andrew Kooman before, but i really didn't know that much about him. God has already put on my heart to do my Abolitionist DTS and at that point I was praying alot, and had just begun to fill out my application. I was looking alot on the internet about 'what is human trafficking' but it wasn't exactly helpful; I wanted to meet somebody who had actually been there. Somebody who i could hear the stories firsthand from-in my head i just thought "God-I just want to know what i'm getting myself into..." When i first saw the video it truely opened my eyes, and my first reaction was "i want to meet this Andrew person and i want to see this play!!" I thought it would be extremely creepy if i were to just message him and say "hey-i know Lani and i saw you from the interview you did about your play. this is what i have planned to do this fall and i would really like the opportunity to meet you" so i didn't...
I so desperately wanted to see the play because it would be showing me literally EXACTLY the situations i would be going into during my Discipleship Training School. I wasn't even sure if i would be able to go to this play or not because i lived out of town and i didn't have a vehicle, nor was i making any money at the time. I simply prayed to God saying (more out of frustration at the time more than anything) "I really want you to open a door and an opportunity for me to be able to see this play; i WANT to be able to prepare myself emotionally for what im getting into and i want to serve you and to help heal your broken people God-is that really so much to ask for!?"
The series of events that happened after that happened very quickly. About a week and a half later i got a babysitting job that not only paid for what would have paid for my ticket, but also all the money that i owed my parents [plus a tiny bit extra.] A few days later, i got an e-mail from my YWAM base saying they had gotten a group rate and had planned on going to the play as a base/group and therefore where taking the van/other vehicles to ride in. Because of all of the attention Andrew's play had gotten, it had sold out pretty quickly-God works in amazing ways. So even if i would have gotten money/a ride in, i might not have even been able to see the play because it had been sold out. I learnt that when you ask God for something diligently and in faith, and your heart is in the right place he WILL give it to you.
Not only did i have the opportunity to see Andrew's play-but i got to go see it with my base and my YWAM family who would be able to support me emotionally with everything I had seen. While seeing the play, and when the day finally came I was extremely excited, and during the ride their i became very nervous. I couldn't stop talking/mumbling about nothing, (like i typically do when i get antsy.) I had no idea whether I would have to leave halfway during the play, whether i'd be an emotional mess or if i'd just sit there blank. (what ended up happening, was the second thing)
God had told me many times going into this DTS "I have called you to be a person of influence and impact, you will be a person that people will listen to no matter what situation you go into because of the past that you have." I always knew that that was a powerful thing, but i truely had no idea how powerful it was until I saw Andrew's play. Jason [the main character] is trying so desperately to gain Number 18's trust in order to help her, and in order to get her out of this bad situation so that justice can come out of it. Because being trafficked and being a prostitute is the only life she truely has ever known, she feels as if he is trying to violate her and reveal her past like everybody who's come into her life has done.
It really hit me because I began to realized to a deeper extent what my calling was, and i just thought "Ok God-Now i know what i'm getting myself into... Now what?" it wasn't until the next few days that some of the scenes started to affect me. Andrew did a very good job of writing his play combining humour and the hardhitting real, deep facts of human trafficking and the way things are. There are certain scenes that are pretty graphic, and normally I am ok with that kind of stuff but it hit me really hard. I think that the reason it affected me so much is because i know what it's like to have injustice happen in my own life (not necessarily in that extent, but it's still painful and it still hurts), and it really reminded me that it is NEVER something you are ever 'over.' It is true that God works miracles, and he has healed me in so many ways but seeing the scenes in that play reminded me that I don't just need to forgive the people who hurt me 'once and forever be done with it', but it's something that i need to do continually over and over again.God didn't send his son to die on the cross so that i could fight these battles by myself, and his graces are new EVERY single morning so that i DONT have to do this alone. God made me realize I had started to do things on my own again and hadn't even realized it, I wasn't trusting God as the sole father figure like he should have have been. He instantly spoke to me and said "I didn't create you to carry this weight, Jesus died so that he could carry this weight for you so LET HIM!" and instead of fighting it-i did. You weren't made to live this life 'half relying on God' and it wasn't even something most Christians even realize that they do-let me completely transform you from the inside out and the REAL miracles can begin. LET ME TRUELY CHANGE YOUR LIFE!"
At the play it was very busy and we saw it opening night so i didn't have the opportunity to meet Andrew. At that point i was just extremely thankful for God's blessing on my life, and how he had started to really change my mindset and my heart. I was thankful that God had given me the opportunity to see the play in the first place, and an amazing support system for the aftermath of seeing the play; the fact that I didn't get the chance to meet Andrew Kooman didn't even matter to me! I knew in my heart that WHEREVER God was willing to send me in the world, that I would have his protection always at my side. Wherever God was willing to send me it was only a matter of "I WILL go and you WILL provide-you've promised it to me and I stand on your word!"
2 weeks later, Andrew Kooman himself happened to be speaking at our Worldview School at our YWAM Blackfalds. He wasn't speaking directly on human trafficking, but what he happened to be speaking on tied in alot about what i was going to be doing during my DTS; he spoke about using the arts as a form of ministry and how as artists (not just christians) it's our responsibility to spread God's light everywhere we go. The moment i found out i thought that Andrew was speaking, I instantly thought 'I HAVE TO BE THERE!!!!' Even though i was still feeling emotionally overwhelmed about seeing the play and what God had just still put on my heart, I knew that God had put an opportunity there that might not come again so i was going to take it fullforce. Some of the quotes he spoke on and gave us where from Andrew from Alexsandr Solzkenitsyn; one of them went along the lines of this [i encourage you all to look up and research Solzkenitsyn to see his history: he also won the Nobel peace prize in 1971]
"The artist's duty is to make yourself available for that ONE word of truth that outways the world"
Before he started teaching he asked every single one of us what led us to the school and what our goals in ministry were, (i felt nervous because i was the only one NOT a worldview student, but i often dropped in whenever there was a good speaker) i said after saying that i wasn't a student/that i was a volunteer "I am planning on doing a human trafficking discipleship training school this august (even though in my head, i have dont have enough money yet and it doesnt make sense) and my passion is using photography to raise awareness for human trafficking and to share the peoples stories who are affected that the world doesn;t care about/that the world never sees" and Andrew Kooman himself said to me "ok-so there is no pressure about my class....... *gulp*" and he was nervous! i could NOT believe it! After we had talked a little bit more about human trafficking and a little bit more about some of the things i had questions on, and we talked about my DTS and what some of my plans were afterwards. Before I used to have alot of plans, I wanted to get my photojournalism degree through the University of the Nations and then etc. and at this moment i am leaving it up to God. There are many things that could change after I do my Discipleship Training school and i do not want to be one of those people who had my whole life planned and then 'poof-God had another plan!' (that already happened once and although im very happy that it did-once was quite enough :)
A few weeks later I was still in the process of filling out my application... and hecticness of month went by. My testimony is not exactly the most plesent one and i didn't know what to put or how to say it; It seemed as though everytime i was almost done it would be as though my testimony sounded as if i grew up in hell. In alot of ways my childhood/teenage years were not the brightest and the happiest growing up and i was trying to write my story in a way in trying to bring light despite those hard times.
, my grandma had her stroke which was extremely rough on my family. we had to be on call for my grandma at all times and we really weren't sure if she would make it for awhile; in the end God came through and the spot at the seniors center that we had reserved for her about a year ago was ready for her to move in [and there wasn't a more perfect time too..] and God began to work a miracle on her health too! As my Grandma's stroke was happening my application took a permanent backburner for those many long weeks; And as she got better-i finally picked it up and started again. I realized as i began to write my story that i dont need to include EVERYTHING about my testimony and that my base will understand that; I also started to realize that growing up-it really wasn't the happiest for me growing up. It's true that i didn't grow up in the happinest/best circumstances but today i am healed and that is NOT who i am today and THAT is what i need to focus on! As i do my DTS i will open up and eventually, they will probably get the opportunity to hear my testimony and learn more and more about who i am and the person God has shaped me into today!
I ask that you would all pray for me and keep me in your prayers these next few days as my application has finally been done and sent off. That i would have favour as my base leader's look over my application, and also for God's financial blessings and provisions to come and come in a greater outpoor in the next period of time to pay for this DTS.
After abut a month and a half had past after my Grandma's stroke and after God had healed my Grandma i decided to sit down and write my first YWAM newsletter. Atfirst i put it off for a very long time because i thought "nobody is actually gonna read it whats the point, what do i even have to write about!?" And then as i began to look over the past few months over my life since i've been called to do this DTS, that God has been working in my life in so many amazing baby steps that i really DO have so many things to write about and be thankful for. When it came time to writing my very first newsletter I also decided that i would finally take that leap of faith and do my video interview with Lani about what God has called me to do with my life; I thought if it helps with financial support, that's ok but let the MAIN reason i'm doing this be so that people can see my heart and my passion behind why I wanna do this DTS in the dirst place!. For me it's simply NOT optional when God has placed a call so great on my life to say "no God-i don't want to do this anymore because it will be too hard..."
Who would have thought that my only reason for doing a photography DTS 10 months ago was to get photography training/to get taken seriously as a photographer in my industry-and i was planning to pay for it with a student loan from the bank because i wasnt able to work/commute into town to get a job. NOBODY trusted me or took me seriously because i was so young, and doing a DTS was what i needed to be taken seriously[or so i thought]
God has a plan and purpose for every single one of us, and he wanted me to be succesful, but he wanted me to be far more than 'just a wedding/newborn photographer' for the rest of my life. Looking at where i am now and how God has changed my mindset; he can change the most stubborn person into the most somebody who is open to any kind of suggestion saying "ok God-whatever you say, i will go where you go because i know that you are my provider and that your the one who controls it all!" Doing photography as a lifelong career was something i was so passionate about and wanted for a very long time; whenever as a kid even getting my dance photos taken-i would be so fascinated in how their camera equipment all worked all together. As i got older, and when my brother got married and i saw how the photographer was there capturing every little moment of their day; i started pondering about if that was something i could do for my own life and maybe even the rest of it?
Does because i am going into YWAM possibly fulltime into ministry and becoming a missionary mean i will never shoot a wedding, or do photography ever again-probably not. But i won't do it as much because God has called me to something greater than just families. Giving up my life for God means giving up those small things that are small and minute; like my little insignificant dream of being a portrait photographer. It isn't about me and it doesnt matter anymore; instead when it comes to raising money for my DTS/outreach trips and when i'm home i wont charge as much and i'll bless families with affordable photography who wouldn't otherwise be able to afford it. I could honestly care less if i'm taken seriously or not or if society tells me that im 'gipping myself out, not charging enough.' It's not about me and my success/my gain anymore, its about bringing glory to hurting people in a world that is hearltess and doesn't give them any mercy.
What Does Ambient Light Mean?
I stumbled across the word ambient light when i was looking for words to call my newsletter. i looked up 'photography term glossary' and my goal was to go through the entire dictionary until i found one that started with a C, or found one that sounded cool. My goal was to end up finding something like "Chelseas continuous capturing' or something. My goal was to not end up with a typical YWAM newsletter name like 'Chatting with Chelsea' and to have something that incorporated photography in somekind of way. I also needed to have a name that would stick with me for the next few years... I plan on being involved with YWAM for quite possibly the next few years and either that be with my photography or with human trafficking and i need a name that can suit whatever i go into.
Needless to say, Ambient Light Stuck =]
Ambient - adjective
1. of the surrounding area or environment: The tape recorder picked up too many ambient noises. The temperature in the display case was 20° lower than the ambient temperature.
2. completely surrounding; encompassing: the ambient air.
so what does that mean??Basically it is like using natural light/sunspots/etc. as the main focus in your photography. Some photographers strive for this and others avoid this at all cost by shooting in the shade/using hoods, etc.
What it means in terms of my life and in my photography is using natural light (God) as the focus and my drive for every single thing that i do. It means going out on a leap of faith every step that it takes and trusting that God is my provider and he WILL provide despite whatever circumstance. Whether my goal in that period of time is photography and human trafficking, or whatever happens to come next-trusting that God will always provide and be there; whether that's through finances or through whatever. If i am doing what GOD wants me to do/what he has planned then abundance and the blessings he has planned for me WILL come and i gladly receive that over my life!
What is my passion through doing this DTS?
that i would be able to use my photography/my testimony for a reaching 'just my YWAM base/just myself.'
I believe that God has called me to change lives and going to Las Vegas to see God's will done will be one of the hardest yet one of the most fulfilling things i do in my life. It will not stop just there, I cannot tell you were my future holds just yet because it's a matter of taking it just one day at a time. My goal is if i can stop even just ONE human girl/child/boy or woman from being trafficked through the photos i take and through sharing their stories that would otherwise go unheard, then i have fulfilled my calling for the rest of my life and i have done my job.The greatest works God is doing have already started, God has begun to prepare me emotionally/mentally already for the things i am about to see in such a big way that i could not have even imagined it myself! I can't even imagine what my DTS itself holds if this is only the beginning....
here is the video i did with Lani!
(click the play button below to watch it)
(click the play button below to watch it)
I invite you to come with me during this journey as little or as often as you would like; I will be frequently updating this blog before and after i go on my DTS (not every single blogpost will be this long. i neglected making a blog/newsletter for quite sometime and that is why its so lengthy) and some of them will include 'photojournalistic' type shots and other types of photos from just YWAM life in general. The purpose of this blog is to keep you posted about what God is doing in my life during my life during my life during my outreach/lecture phase, and before then as God continues to prepare my heartto go to Vegas. The reason i chose to do this over a blog and not over facebook is because it can reach many more people this way, also it is much more practical and many people that i know don't have facebook and would still like to hear about my YWAM journeys [people who maybe would like to share this link and what i am doing with their friends and spread the word/raise awareness about what i am doing to their friends.]
just recently a friend had this as a facebook status and it gave me a much needed reminder of God's call for my own life. i will include with with this and leave you something EXTREMELY inspirational!!
1 Corinthians 2:9 (NIV)
9 However, as it is written:
“What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” the things God has prepared for those who love him.
The reason i titled this blog 'inspired and blessed' is because that is how i have felt during these last few months. Although it has been very hard and at times near impossible and I thought to myself "am i ever gonna get this application in on time? Lord my Grandma is 90-it would be so selfish of me to ask you to heal her although i know that you can...? Financially is it even possible God?"
But through those times when it's seemed impossible, God has surrounded me with my base that has filled me with the inspiration to keep going and reminded me everytime i've felt afraid about my DTS "don't think about what could happen, think about what you WILL do through me and the awareness that you will raise through the gifts i've already given you, and the gifts that im about to give you in these next few months" and that itself has renewed every fire and passion in me that i have for human trafficking.
I am reminded how blessed i am for the opportunity God has given me to do this DTS and that NOTHING is impossible for my God and that time is simply a number; after all, crazier things have happened in the bible right? :)
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