this is just a very quick post to say that life is changing very quickly. sometimes God can ask us to do really crazy stuff and take leaps of faith. I would appreciate your prayers during this time and during this next season.
im about to do a thorough blog soon about my fundraiser and more of my kona plans.
my parents were gone this past week and it was nice to have a mini vacation. to be able to be a mini introvert and process alot of things by myself and much needed was awesome. awesome..... fantasticly awesome!
for myself, its very hard to know the difference between spending a few days by myself and being a hermit. i really enjoy being a hermit and that is something i really need to stop doing. its honestly something gods tested me on since ive gotten home since from dts. God is so faithful. thats the only thing i can really say coming out of this season, and to think that its only the beginning amazes me....
'he places the lonely in family' i am beyond thankful for ywam and dts. that scripture is exactly what God did in my life. when i hear the word family now, im no longer resentful or bitter or spiteful or hurt think 'well thats great... but that is never going to happen for me!'
the kingdom of god, and the center of gods will is where i wanna be.
and it seems that god has finally taken me to a place where im finally ready to be there.
after 8 years of being a christian [this weekend is the anniversary of the weekend of when i got saved.] i have finally gotten over grieving those 8 years of wishing 'God why didn't you intervene sooner when nobody else in my life cared' there were alot of times when nobody else did. When my times of pleaing for help were responded by a smack in the face or a 'when things get worse.' type response. But no matter how bad things were getting i was too stubborn to believe that the God i was taught about wasnt good. even though he seemed really distant.
God obviously didn't think they were years wasted otherwise i would be in heaven now. otherwise i would be on the long broken rocky road still.. I literally cringe and shudder when i think at where i could be in life right now. The people i minister too in the future could very well have been me had Jesus not saved my life. God believed in redemption and using my past for good. despite all the depression, scary near suicide attempts, God still loved me enough to give his only son. There was a risk that i would not take salvation but he thought it was worth it..
I am not going to say 'God why did you die on the cross'
i just want to take this moment in time to say thank you. It seems like now after all of these years of pain and doubt, i have finally learnt to have grace on myself. One of the things i noticed from past journals is that i really tried to have a real relationship with God but i put so much pressure on myself to make it happen. I was never taught, I never knew that God does not expect anything of us. I knew that at the back of my head but its funny how those things creep in.
It seems like i finally get it. God has placed desires on my heart and you know what?
'seek first the lord and he will give you the desires of your heart'
desires are not bad. i have to accept the fact that loving god is not bad, having talents is not bad, wanting to be able to reading my bible and spend x amount of time with God a day is not a bad thing. God tells me this in his word-it's true that we can do these things legalistically. But anytime that anyone tells us anything different unless what God says.... it's wrong and its as simple as that.
Im glad that now i've finally got it. after 8 years of striving i can finally learn how to simply WALK with God. There will be seasons of running, difficulties but its about getting into a rhythm that is simple. Being Gods friend, being in a rhythm that is of steadfast love and grace and hearing the heartbeat of our father God. So that whatever season is about to hit us in the face..... we are unshakable.
THAT is what i want and that is true christianity.
"
im about to do a thorough blog soon about my fundraiser and more of my kona plans.
my parents were gone this past week and it was nice to have a mini vacation. to be able to be a mini introvert and process alot of things by myself and much needed was awesome. awesome..... fantasticly awesome!
for myself, its very hard to know the difference between spending a few days by myself and being a hermit. i really enjoy being a hermit and that is something i really need to stop doing. its honestly something gods tested me on since ive gotten home since from dts. God is so faithful. thats the only thing i can really say coming out of this season, and to think that its only the beginning amazes me....
'he places the lonely in family' i am beyond thankful for ywam and dts. that scripture is exactly what God did in my life. when i hear the word family now, im no longer resentful or bitter or spiteful or hurt think 'well thats great... but that is never going to happen for me!'
the kingdom of god, and the center of gods will is where i wanna be.
and it seems that god has finally taken me to a place where im finally ready to be there.
after 8 years of being a christian [this weekend is the anniversary of the weekend of when i got saved.] i have finally gotten over grieving those 8 years of wishing 'God why didn't you intervene sooner when nobody else in my life cared' there were alot of times when nobody else did. When my times of pleaing for help were responded by a smack in the face or a 'when things get worse.' type response. But no matter how bad things were getting i was too stubborn to believe that the God i was taught about wasnt good. even though he seemed really distant.
God obviously didn't think they were years wasted otherwise i would be in heaven now. otherwise i would be on the long broken rocky road still.. I literally cringe and shudder when i think at where i could be in life right now. The people i minister too in the future could very well have been me had Jesus not saved my life. God believed in redemption and using my past for good. despite all the depression, scary near suicide attempts, God still loved me enough to give his only son. There was a risk that i would not take salvation but he thought it was worth it..
I am not going to say 'God why did you die on the cross'
i just want to take this moment in time to say thank you. It seems like now after all of these years of pain and doubt, i have finally learnt to have grace on myself. One of the things i noticed from past journals is that i really tried to have a real relationship with God but i put so much pressure on myself to make it happen. I was never taught, I never knew that God does not expect anything of us. I knew that at the back of my head but its funny how those things creep in.
It seems like i finally get it. God has placed desires on my heart and you know what?
'seek first the lord and he will give you the desires of your heart'
desires are not bad. i have to accept the fact that loving god is not bad, having talents is not bad, wanting to be able to reading my bible and spend x amount of time with God a day is not a bad thing. God tells me this in his word-it's true that we can do these things legalistically. But anytime that anyone tells us anything different unless what God says.... it's wrong and its as simple as that.
Im glad that now i've finally got it. after 8 years of striving i can finally learn how to simply WALK with God. There will be seasons of running, difficulties but its about getting into a rhythm that is simple. Being Gods friend, being in a rhythm that is of steadfast love and grace and hearing the heartbeat of our father God. So that whatever season is about to hit us in the face..... we are unshakable.
THAT is what i want and that is true christianity.
"
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